The 365 · Tazkiyah · Day 293 · Family
ʿAdam ʿAfw al-Ahl · The Family Member You Refused to Forgive
The disease
عدم عفو الأهل
ʿAdam ʿAfw al-Ahl
The story
The story of Abū Bakr and Miṭṭah is preserved as the standard. Miṭṭah was a relative whose mother Abū Bakr had been supporting. Miṭṭah was among those who spread the false accusation against ʿĀʾishah (Abū Bakr's daughter). Abū Bakr swore by Allah he would never again support him. The verse 24:22 was revealed naming him by station (a-lā tuḥibbūna): do you not love that Allah forgive you? Abū Bakr immediately broke his oath, resumed support, and added more than before. The verse and his response are the believer's template for any family grudge.
Why it's named first
Many believers hold lifelong grudges against family: a sibling who wronged them in inheritance, a cousin who insulted them at a wedding, a parent who was harsh in childhood, an in-law who broke trust. The grudge is preserved across decades. The Qur'an: wa-l-yāfu wa-l-yaṣfaḥū; a-lā tuḥibbūna an yaghfira Allāhu lakum (24:22). Let them pardon and let them overlook; do you not love that Allah forgive you? The verse links the believer's forgiveness of others to the hope of Allah's forgiveness of him.
In the Qur'an
24:22 (above). The verse was revealed about Abū Bakr, who had been swearing not to support a relative (Miṭṭah ibn Uthāthah) who had spread slander against ʿĀʾishah. The verse asked Abū Bakr: do you not love that Allah forgive you? Abū Bakr immediately said: yes, by Allah, I love that Allah forgive me, and resumed the support. The verse turned the most justified grudge of his life into forgiveness.
In the Sunnah
The Prophet ﷺ said: the merciful are shown mercy by the Most Merciful; show mercy to those on the earth, and the One above the heavens will show mercy to you (Abū Dāwūd, Tirmidhī, ḥasan ṣaḥīḥ). The principle is reciprocal: mercy descends on those who give it. The grudge interrupts the mercy.
The cure
Three steps. 1) Name the family member you have been refusing to forgive. 2) Read 24:22 with their name in mind: do I not love that Allah forgive me? 3) Take the first concrete step: a message, a call, a resumed visit; the act dissolves the grudge faster than the inner work.
What is at stake
The believer who holds a grudge has placed his own heart in a small prison. The estranged relative may or may not feel it; the believer carries it. The Day will weigh the held grudges: did you forgive, even after wrong? Did you respond to 24:22 the way Abū Bakr did?
A du'a for this day
رَبَّنَا اغْفِرْ لَنَا وَلِإِخْوَانِنَا الَّذِينَ سَبَقُونَا بِالإِيمَانِ وَلَا تَجْعَلْ فِي قُلُوبِنَا غِلّاً لِلَّذِينَ أَمَنُوا :: Rabbanā ighfir lanā wa li-ikhwāninā alladhīna sabaqūnā bi-l-īmān, wa lā tajʿal fī qulūbinā ghillan li-lladhīna āmanū. Our Lord, forgive us and our brothers who preceded us in faith, and do not place in our hearts any rancor toward those who believed (59:10).
The door of mercy
Today, contact a family member you have been holding a grudge against. No agenda. Just a greeting. The verse 24:22 activates.
A reflection to carry
There is a precise teaching from this episode. Abū Bakr was the most patient man among the Companions; he had every right to be angry; the relative had slandered his own daughter. And yet the verse asked one question and his answer was immediate. The believer who reads 24:22 with the same question in mind cannot maintain a grudge. The math is too clear: I want Allah's forgiveness; Allah ties His forgiveness to mine; therefore I forgive. The grudge collapses under the math.
Read the longer reflection
Take the grudge most preserved in your life. The cousin who wronged you. The sibling who failed you. The in-law who hurt you. Now ask 24:22's question: do I not love that Allah forgive ME? The answer is yes, of course. The path to that forgiveness, the verse says, is to forgive. The wrong they did to you may be real and severe; the verse does not deny it. The verse asks: do you want Allah's mercy more than you want to hold the wrong? Tonight, the answer is yes. Make the first move. Even silently, in the heart. Speak the forgiveness aloud to Allah: yā Rabb, I forgive so-and-so for so-and-so. The heart loosens. The Day's grudge-weight drops. The verse 24:22 activates in your favor. Yā Allāh, do not let us be of those whose grudges blocked Your mercy. Make us of those who forgave and were forgiven. Āmīn.
Sources: Quran, Sahih Bukhari, Sahih Muslim, Abu Dawud, Tirmidhi, Ibn al-Qayyim. The Qur'an and its translation are verified; the scholarship is retold faithfully in our own words and credited to its sources, never reproduced verbatim.
A verse, a healing, and a Sunnah, every morning.
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